Category: Ballroom Dance

Last week I gave a big presentation for work. My colleague who has seen me give numerous talks over the years commented afterwards that he has never seen me so calm. Usually my heart races then I speak too quickly, rushing to finish and not enjoying the experience. “What was different this time?” he asked. “I was in ballroom dancer mode,” I replied.  This time I summoned the courage of a dancer about to step onto the competition floor, and recalled what my teachers have taught me about walking with poise to enjoy sharing and connecting. After striding confidently to the podium, smiling and making eye contact as I greeted the audience, I heard myself speak in a clear, slow voice I almost didn’t recognize. I was fully present and not flustered even when my cell phone alarm started chiming from within my pocketbook in the back of the room. Rather than interrupting the flow by running to turn it off, I just took a breath and kept going.

This feeling of being completely centered is something I’ve experienced through yoga, hiking in nature, and ballroom dancing — not often enough, but increasingly more. In dancing, if body and mind are both centered, even the Viennese Waltz and Quickstep can seem as if I have all the time in the world.  Sometimes re-centering is best achieved with a posture adjustment, and sometimes with a deep focusing breath. With more practice, I hope to find that center more quickly whenever I’m thrown off balance both on and off the dance floor. How do you stay centered in challenging situations?

Last year at this time I flew alone to Spain to hike the the last 100km of the oldest pilgrimage in Europe, the Camino de Santiago or Way of St. James. Since that life altering experience, my journey of spiritual growth, self-discovery, and healing has continued. One of the many things that makes the Camino so special is the fellowship of seekers from all over the world sharing stories, meals, accommodations, faith, and encouragement. As the saying goes, friends are the family we choose. My extended family includes those fellow pilgrims I met last summer, as well as all those friends over my lifetime who shared my childhood, witnessed my marriage, celebrated my children’s birthdays, comforted me through my daughter’s surgeries, supported me through divorce, cheered me on at dance competitions, and lightened my backpack in numerous other ways.

On the pilgrim’s passport stamped along The Way, the Spirit of the Camino is summarized in these words: “Live in the moment. Welcome each day – its pleasures and its challenges. Make others feel welcome. Share. Feel the spirit of those who have gone before you. Imagine those who will follow you. Appreciate those who walk with you today.” The message of the daily mass in the breathtaking Santiago cathedral, where thousands of weary travelers gather at the end of the pilgrimage, is to take that spirit and fellowship back home. In life, as on the Camino in Spain, some are meant to join us for the long haul and others for just a short while, but we all learn from each other and our shared experiences. Today I appreciate everyone who has walked – and danced – with me along life’s journey.

A few years ago when I was recently separated and in the depths of despair, my friend and hairdresser, who had been telling me about her ballroom dance hobby for years, encouraged me to take a trial lesson at her studio. “One day can bend your life” is a quote I like from Mitch Albom; the day I booked that appointment was one of those days for me. When I nervously stepped onto the dance floor and my teacher took my hand to lead, I was unsettled to have such close physical contact with a stranger and felt like a deer in headlights. But he immediately put me at ease, and I was hooked on ballroom dancing. I started taking lessons on my Fridays off while my kids were in school, and soon the dance studio became my “happy place.” As a newcomer learning American Smooth and Rhythm styles (with salsa, hustle, bachata, and other social dances mixed in) and experiencing the exhilaration of my first competitions, my confidence grew until I was catapulted from an empty shell to a confident woman again. “Spread your wings…chest and heart open…stand up and show up…let the ground support you but stay lifted…posture and presence…strong and out…up and forward…sparkle!” These words and phrases were gemstones on my journey of healing through my divorce. My teacher would often jokingly say we’re “kind of a big deal” and helped me regain self-confidence that carried over in my personal life. Divorce may have knocked the wind out of my sails, but those early lessons from my first ballroom teacher helped fill them again.

As important as softening is in Standard ballroom dances, strength is important in Latin dances – Cha-Cha, Rumba, Jive, Paso Doble, Samba. Dancing both styles helps balance my yin and yang. Lessons with my teacher Mark remind me to stand tall, make every muscle and movement as strong as possible, and use resistance to its advantage. Push, pull, wait, go, come together, pull apart. I think coping in the times we collectively live in, and with our own individual challenges requires both strength and softness. Staying positive after reading the daily news requires strength of mind and resistance to negativity, while at the same time softening the heart to cultivate kindness and connection to others. The name Valerie means strength, and my therapist tells me I am one of those people “strong at the broken places” (from a Hemingway quote), but on some days I feel more broken than strong. On those days, such as yesterday, I use various coping skills such as prayer, gratitude, hugging my children, reaching out to friends, listening to music (lately the La La Land soundtrack), reading inspirational quotes, eating dark chocolate, and remembering my lessons from the dance floor to take it one strong, intentional step at a time. How do you cope on the broken days?

In yesterday’s lesson, after joyously spinning around the studio dance floor demonstrating my baseline Waltz, Tango, Quickstep, and Viennese this week, my teacher worked with me more on footwork and general movement – a humble return to basics, learning to walk again but in heels. He praised how I was stepping with more intention, but I realized I had been equating strong intention with drive, just as I generally do in my everyday life. What he taught me is that intention comes from clarity of thought and commitment to movement, and we can move more effortlessly and with more grace and ease when we remain soft and receptive rather than forceful or driving. The life lesson I drew from this class resonated with what I need in daily life also: release rather than force, fall rather than push, soften rather than tighten, receive rather than drive.  In standard ballroom dancing, this is achieved by falling from the hips and not driving from the legs. Soften, fall, receive, release — these are the words I will carry this week at home and work, and try to remember in all my relationships. I’m certain I will need this lesson again and again, but will celebrate every step of progress.

The ballroom dance student’s journey offers many paths, with two major styles and 19 dances. Levels of competition include newcomer, pre-bronze, bronze, silver, gold, and open. In each of these, we master something, gain confidence, move to the next level, then take things apart and return to humble square one. This process reminds me of my spiritual journey. Just when I think I have evolved to a new level, something breaks me apart and humbles me to square one. Family estrangements, parenting chronic illness, mid-life divorce — opportunities abound for growth and permutations of paths on my spiritual journey. Today was one of those break-everything-apart days, one of those sit in my “hot loneliness” days, one of those go-back-to-humble-square-one days. On these days when I am a newcomer once again, I remember lessons all my teachers in dance and life have taught me, and know the journey will continue.

A key to ballroom dancing, relationships, and life is finding a balance between holding on and letting go. We need to be able to dance well and strongly in our own space, to be able to dance well with others. In dance and life, latching onto a partner and being too dependent and passively following will not work; nor will aggressively leading or dancing too independently. Coming together, dancing in separate spheres while staying connected with equal force, allows an active conversation where both dancers can alternately lead and follow for a dynamic partnership.

The physics and feelings involved in ballroom dancing are so complex that every lesson reveals gems of wisdom for life. Learning balance in motion is extremely challenging in and of itself, but also required are actively listening and reacting to the music, strongly connecting with your partner, and expressing your individual style  – all simultaneously, in every single step. Sometimes my teachers work with me on upper body posture, sometimes footwork, other times on connection or musicality. My last lesson focused on the importance of a solid base, both feet spread wide with balanced weight. This is not as easy as it sounds, especially in high heels. Similarly in life, a solid base is necessary to maintain balance and a sense of ease. I think family, friends, religion/spirituality, work, daily routines can help establish a solid base, but balancing all of those things with ease presents its own challenge…